Thursday, June 16, 2011

Expectations and Trepidations

As we begin our journey, Nick and I are so excited and yet we're terrified. We have been talking about adopting for years but the timing never seemed right. At first, I wanted more biological children, then we were both in school, then our job outlook didn't seem so great, so many excuses and reasons to wait. We debated, argued, and shelved the discussion over and over since Mike was just a baby and have been throwing around the "We are planning to adopt our 4th" line since Elizabeth was born.

I am not sure what made us decide to start now. There have been so many little things that just added up. Ellie is older now and I am getting that mommy urge again. Not so much to have more babies but to be a mom to more. I went to an Adoption conference at our church last month and really learned a lot. Nick had gone a few years before and came home excited but this time seemed different. We were in a much different place this time. Nick also volunteered at a GiGi's Playhouse fun run and saw the joy on the children's faces. That put him along a path to adopt a special needs child (preferably Downs Syndrome). We have known from the time Ellie was born that we wanted an older child and neither of us were opposed to Special Needs but I think I was hoping for mild instead of severe. We know our limits and we will have to explore that more closely with our case worker and do a lot more research.

The thought of a special needs child is overwhelming and terrifying and yet so exciting. All sorts of questions are running through our heads right now. Is this the right decision for our family? Will our kids be ok with it? What kind of financial commitment will it be? Will the timing work with our current crazy schedule? Is this really the path God is leading us in? Are we really equipped to handle what God is throwing at us? I have these crazy dreams of my perfect family and although I know reality is far from that, it is nearly perfect for us.  How will this change that vision?

I find myself full of excitement for what the future holds but also full of fear and worry. Only God knows what his plans are and I have to trust He knows what He is doing.  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11 (NIV)